October is upon us and I for one enjoy scary movies. So, which ones can conservatives watch and not be offended? A guide for you my friends. They’re out there. You just have to look.
1. The Exorcist (1973): A Hollywood actress realizes there is a God. A Priest who doesn’t molest children finds his faith and sacrifices himself for another. And Jesus saves the day! How did this one slip through?
2. Frankenstein (1931): No metaphor for embryonic stem cell research or cloning here. No, you just keep defying God’s laws and destroying human life to live a few years longer.
3. The Omega Man (1971): Who’s the sole-survivor in New York after a plague turns men into vamipres? Is it the effete anti-gun crowd? No. It’s survivalist, gun toting, shoot first screw the questions all together CHUCK HESTON, that’s who.
And what’s the most terrifying part of Heston’s ordeal? The only movie he can watch is Woodstock.
Kill. Me. Now.
4. Cape Fear (1962): This film is so conservative I can’t believe Gregory Peck agreed to it. A brilliantly menacing Robert Mitchum plays Max Cady, a psychopath determined to destroy Peck’s family in retaliation for Peck’s zealous prosecution of him in a rape case. When the insane laws that protect criminals leave Peck and his family vulnerable, Peck does what a man’s gotta do.
This point of view was so anathema to Martin Scorsese that in his overblown remake he turned Peck’s protagonist into an adulterous defense attorney with a fractured family who’s simply reaping what he sows for comitting the illiberal act of hiding exculpatory evidence that would’ve set a guilty rapist free. How dare him! Take that! And that!
5. Tremors 1990: Sometimes having a gun nut survivalist next door can come in kind of handy, no?
6. Rosemary’s Baby (1968): This is probably the film that makes big hollywood stars hope there is a God. Because if God’s real that means there’s a Devil to sell their souls to and advance their careers. Hey, it worked for John Cassavetes.
7. Last House On The Left (1972): Every horror the squares warned about when it came to partying, drugs, staying out after the streetlights came on, hippies, and coddling criminals comes true for two very unfortunate young ladies. And let’s not forget Mom and Dad taking the law into their own hands to protect their home and exact a little revenge on these marauding hippies.
Why do I think the only thing liberals get from this film is the desire to enact a 14 day waiting period on chain saws?
8. The Thing (1951): So who buys it in this film? Who’s wrong in this film? The gung-ho military? Oh no. It’s the touchy-feely we just want to understand you pansy, that’s who. Because in Howard Hawks world you kill what you don’t understand. You kill em’ now. You kill em’ slow.
9. Fatal Attraction (1987): The first film since 1968 to portray adultery as a bad thing. I have to admit this is a desperate choice though. The film is as unrealistic as they come because no one would cheat on Anne Archer. I’m not even married to her and I don’t cheat on her. It totally took me out of the movie.
10. Friday The 13th (1980): Hey, let’s smoke dope and have unprotected loveless pre-marital sex!
11. Halloween (1978): Hey, let’s smoke dope and have unprotected loveless pre-marital sex!
12. War of the Worlds (1953): The Clean Air Act could be the end of all of us.
13. War of the Worlds (2005): When the biggest liberal in Hollywood makes one of the worst films ever — it can only help our side.
Why not shoot a leg out of it? A trip wire? It’s not hard.
14. Ghostbusters (1984): I know it’s more of a comedy, but the EPA bureaucrats are the bad guys here, it does have some real scares, and a movie list that doesn’t include a Rick Moranis film is not a real movie list.
15. Arachnophobia, Jaws, Willard, Congo: Ahh, the memories of sitting in the theatre lost in the lovely sound of animal rights activists grinding their teeth.
Joined: 20 Nov 2006
Location: Cerquita del helicóptero
Great! All of them awesome films, except Last house on the left... I hate that film. Worst Craven work, in my opinion. I can't stand a simple minute of the film. since the very first scene... _________________ Peter: Just rest, man. Save your strength.
Roger: I don't want to be walkin' around... like THAT!... Peter... PETER?
Peter: I'm here, man!
Roger: Don't do it until you are sure I *am* coming back!
http://lunaresenlosbolsillos.blogspot.com http://whiskyroom.co.uk http://zombi.blogia.com
Joined: 20 Nov 2006
Location: Jerusalems Lot
Last house on the left... I hate that film. Worst Craven work, in my opinion. I can't stand a simple minute of the film. since the very first scene...
For me it doesn't work as it is just a gore movie of a real rape and murder. There is no imagination used in the film it's just for gore hounds that would like a simple slasher movie without any story, moral or substance. _________________ http://zombi-blogia.blogspot.co.uk/
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